As humans living in society, we usually have very definitive opinions about what is good and bad and what is right and wrong. We try to raise our children to become the best possible adults according to our own definition of what that means.
Sometimes ideas of right and wrong completely conflict with each other, and it is rare that these issues are black and white. More often, they come in many shades of gray. In raising our children, sometimes we get so caught up trying to shape the person we want that we forget to look at the person they actually are. This is when conditional love starts to wear away at a child.
Most of us were raised with some form of conditional love by our own parents. We felt love and warmth when we acted in ways they expected, and we received disappointment, anger, and shame when we behaved in ways they deemed wrong. This can break confidence and a sense of independence.
Children want their parents to accept who they are, not simply try to change who they are. It is hard to know when we are trying to correct a child’s behavior and when we are pushing against their nature. It is very easy to love our children. Liking them, however, sometimes requires effort.
Take a step back and really evaluate what emotions your child stirs within you. Our desires and hopes for ourselves are directly linked to the expectations we have of our children. What we want for ourselves, we often want for them. This is human nature.
Sometimes we put tremendous pressure on our children to be someone and to behave in ways that are not balanced with who they actually are or who they want to become. Our support and love can start to depend on how closely our child behaves according to our expectations. This can be very harmful.
As adults, we are often deeply hurt when our parents do this to us. As parents, conditional love can sometimes feel more natural than the opposite because many of us were raised that way.
Take some time to reflect on the love, acceptance, and support you did or did not receive from your own parents. Have you made decisions based on what they approved of or disapproved of? Think about how you treat your own children and whether you would still fully accept them if they lived very different lives from your own.
It is worth trying to define for yourself what parental love really is and how it relates to your relationship with your own child. Remember your own journey growing up. It is directly linked to your child’s.
