I find very often with clients who come for relationship coaching that there is a pattern on both sides: they criticize the other person and focus on the traits that annoy them rather than the ones they love. This breeds contempt, and contempt is very toxic for anyone to live with.
When we criticize our partner, we create a hostile environment where there should be a safe one. Criticism causes us to wither and to feel lonely and insecure. There is nothing helpful in critical judgment.
Couples can grow when they work on issues together. I know someone whose parents taught him that women should always make themselves as beautiful as possible when leaving the house. He grew up with a mother and sister who never left the house without makeup and styled hair, which is great for women who make that choice.
When he started dating a girl he really liked who preferred no makeup and dressed very casually, he found that he criticized her greatly. She felt comfortable with her appearance and felt that it was enough to be clean and smell good, which he had a very hard time with.
It took him a while to realize that he thought of her as unkempt and lazy with her appearance, when in reality that had nothing to do with the truth, and his judgment of her had started to wear her down.
Rather than expecting her to change for him and always dress up, he realized that he needed to change what he thought of her. He put a lot of effort into that change of thought pattern, and in the end it really improved his relationship.
Just because he thought certain things about his girlfriend did not mean that they were true. He understood that reality is what a person thinks it is. His reality changed when his thoughts changed.
Once again, open your thoughts and therefore your whole life. “Do not believe everything you think.”
