Anne Frank, at the age of 13, said, “Parents can only give good advice or put their children on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.”
As parents, we want to teach our children what we believe is the correct way. Even when a child has done something they should not have done, even if it was a big deal, sometimes we forget that one incident is not the defining point of that child’s character. It is one of many moments in a life.
It is easy in our anger to forget the child as a whole person who has many good qualities and to focus only on what needs improvement, rather than strengthening what is already good. We often get so caught up in the complexity of the moment that we forget how small one incident may be in the larger arc of a child’s life.
Before reacting to our children, it is helpful to take a few minutes and think about how consequential this incident will really be five years from now. Do not misunderstand me. It is very important to discipline children and give them very clear boundaries. When they overstep those boundaries, and they will, it is important to be firm.
It is fine to be angry, and it is normal to be disappointed. Our reaction to these feelings, however, is critical to raising confident and healthy children. If children feel shame and feel unloved when they do something wrong, they will not truly evaluate themselves and their actions. They will only either do anything they can to get back on their parents’ good side or completely rebel, all while feeling awful about who they are.
Getting children to do what we want by making them feel bad about themselves is manipulation. When the feeling of love is cut off, it harms the growth of children.
Before speaking with your child, take a minute alone and connect with the love that you have for them even while you are angry or disappointed. The child will feel this immediately. Tell children why you are angry, hurt, or disappointed in their behavior, rather than expressing anger, hurt, or disappointment in them as a person. It is important to differentiate between those two things.
We all make mistakes, sometimes very big ones. This should not interfere with the love and support children receive from parents, especially during the disciplining process. Children can feel deeply loved and supported at the same time they are being disciplined or punished. That is part of unconditional love.
