I have found that a common theme among couples is the feeling that one partner has to save the other from loneliness or angst. Expecting this from your partner can break down your connection, because it is not possible for someone else to help you with these feelings in the way you may want.
You are setting them up for failure and will often start to feel resentment and contempt when your significant other does not meet your impossible expectations. These expectations are impossible because only by facing ourselves can we truly help ourselves.
Loneliness and angst are within many people. There is a false expectation that many of us grew up with, the belief that being in a relationship cures us of these feelings. That is simply not true. Look around and see how many people who are with someone still feel lonely or sad. If long-term commitments and marriages cured it, these feelings would be much less prevalent.
The reason no one else can cure you of loneliness is because loneliness often stems from a lack of connection with ourselves. People who enjoy themselves and are comfortable in their own skin usually do not feel chronically lonely. They may feel moments of it, but not in the same lasting way.
Our partners cannot do for us what we do not do for ourselves. Only we can save ourselves. Our partners can support us, but we are the main character in the play of our own life. Only you can do the work.
It is like asking your partner to lose weight for you. They can support you, but they cannot exercise or diet on your behalf. The same is true when we expect our partner to save us from difficult feelings.
Being in a relationship never guarantees that we will not have to deal with angst, pain, sadness, or loneliness. If we carry these things as a single person, even subconsciously, we will bring them into a relationship. I have seen many couples feel so much anger and hurt toward each other for not “being there” in the exact ways one wanted, or feel resentment because the other did not do enough to erase the angst.
Marriages and relationships have crumbled because of scapegoating each other for problems that can only be addressed within the self. Look inside yourself. Know yourself and take care of yourself. Do not expect from your partner what you do not expect from yourself.
Set each other up for success, love, support, and true friendship by being introspective, loving, supportive, and a true friend to yourself. You are the only one who can help and save yourself. You are the only one who can give yourself a good life. You are the key to yourself.
